Kykel

There is nothing normal about me. My entire life I've searched for something that I know not what it is. Call it purpose. Call it religion. God. Peace. It makes no difference to me. The fact is that I've never been ok. There has and always will be a little piece of me that's broken inside. But that isn't even the point. I like that, want it even. Being ok hurts worse than being broken because I can at least understand pain. It drives and inspires me. It gives birth to ideas and concepts of reality that nothing else ever could. My life needs something to drive me. I do not serve myself well in happiness.

I learned long ago that I'm a dreamer but when you get what you want, you lose sight of what it meant. You have to keep reaching for something unattainable to get somewhere in life. Chase the clouds, the stars even. They'll only keep you on their tail. You'll never catch them. I hate being happy. Happiness breeds content acceptance. I fear it. It is instability to me. Change is immutable. Change is everything. Change is life. That which sits still does so because it is dead. I want to always want more, to never be happy with myself.

I do not know if I believe in purpose anymore. But I think that is the very point of it all. The idea that we are utterly alone, a fluke... It's lonely and it's scary. It is a secret that would end the world. But there is so much out there that makes me truly wonder. I have for so long found doubt in myself. But that is who I am. I find inspiration and I find drive in my doubts. It is those fears that fuel me. THEY are what give me my strength. Ask yourself, if you learned that there is nothing else out there, that we truly are alone what would you do? What is the purpose of it all? You live for no other reason than to live.

There are sides of me that nobody understands. And there are sides that only a few people do. I do not open up to most because I do not want to be understood. It is my way of being alone. It is all I have sacred to me. The only thing that makes me who I am, unique. I am different from everyone because of this and this alone.

I think everyone has a set of critical beliefs deep down that they don't share lightly. Even among those closest to us do we often feel strangers before these concepts. They are part of us. They define us and make each and every one of us unique. They are all we have sacred to ourselves. I do not know if I believe in peace. I do not know if I even believe in purpose anymore. The frailty of the base that holds all I once and all I do believe in does not surprise me. I believe in life and I believe in change. Change is immutable. Change is everything. Change is life. But change is also loss. It is sacrifice. It is the only universal truth I believe in. In the end, we know nothing.

Sometimes, intelligence is a burden.